Recently I lost my mom and her life partner Peter. I miss my mom. I miss Peter. Getting through this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do...so many emotions. They say that there are 5 stages of death. Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I can say that I went through all of these stages...more than once and sometimes all in the same day. When my sister Sarah called me saying that they were in a accident I was waking from a nap and I rushed to the hospital. On my to the hospital I was just telling myself there was no way that they were seriously hurt. My mom and Peter have been in so many accidents and they have been ok. I was in denial. Then Isaiah Reynolds called me, a young man who I considered my brother. He stated that he saw that my mother was in the car and there was a sheet over her and he could not see Peter. Zach was on his way to the hospital. I asked who was driving and Isaiah told me that Zach was, someone who I also think of as a brother, I was anger. I was angry that my mother allowed him to drive when the roads were bad. Angry at myself that I told my mom to come to Royce's soccer game. Then I prayed...I was hoping that at least Peter and Zach were ok because loosing them all in a day would be awful. I also prayed that maybe Isaiah had made a mistake. Arriving at the hospital having all of us kids together we were told that neither of our parents have made it and they were dead. I was heart broken...then I thought of my mothers last moments and it was sad, I did not think that my mom would die like this. I skipped depression that day and went into acceptance. I knew I had to be strong. I called my uncle Rick and told him breaking down... I could not hear myself say the words without crying. I went back to depression. I checked on Zach he was alive and I was just grateful.
Over the next ten days between telling people what had happened, talking to family, having family arrive, planning, crying, not showering or changing my clothes, brushing my teeth and hating my life. I would go back and forth between each stage... I would wake up and think that I was in a bad dream then I was reminded. The day of the funeral I just wanted to get it over with. Seeing my mom lay there, not looking like herself it was painful. I think I fixed my mothers hair about 10x times and fixed the blanket, like she was moving around...Standing in front of everyone reading a page from her journal it was so hard, after I cried so hard. I cried so hard in front of everyone and I did not care.
After everything was just a mess and I was finally able to feel something. Everyone left. The best thing I could do was get back into a routine. Going back to work and "going through the motions", it sounds so harsh but honestly that it how you accept and deal with grief. I did things I did before and I TOOK A SHOWER! I watched my mother be consumed by my grandmothers death. My grandma died about 7 years ago and my mother would still let it affect her daily life. I then realized that my family had a lot of secrets and lies...things I found out about my mother the things she was dealing with on a daily basis. Being sexually assaulted for YEARS! by a family member, knowing that the father she thought was her father was not her father, and the cover ups and dismissing that my whole family did. I then decided that I would do what my mother felt she couldn't.
I will not accept the lies and the awful things that people who I trusted have done is awful. I decided that I will be a strong and loving person but also will not tolerate the things she did. Instead I will learn from her death. Cherish the moments I had with her both good and VERY VERY bad. I will miss her and I will make sure that my children remember her, I will remember her. I will love her and miss her. When you have lost someone close to you allow yourself to feel your feelings. Do not drink them away, you do not need to take pills or smoke weed or anything, let yourself feel that ...hurt. Be hurt and be sad but know that death is apart of life and one day we will all be gone and someone will be there to miss you. So live your life, like there is no tomorrow.
I can say that I went through all of these stages...more than once and sometimes all in the same day. When my sister Sarah called me saying that they were in a accident I was waking from a nap and I rushed to the hospital. On my to the hospital I was just telling myself there was no way that they were seriously hurt. My mom and Peter have been in so many accidents and they have been ok. I was in denial. Then Isaiah Reynolds called me, a young man who I considered my brother. He stated that he saw that my mother was in the car and there was a sheet over her and he could not see Peter. Zach was on his way to the hospital. I asked who was driving and Isaiah told me that Zach was, someone who I also think of as a brother, I was anger. I was angry that my mother allowed him to drive when the roads were bad. Angry at myself that I told my mom to come to Royce's soccer game. Then I prayed...I was hoping that at least Peter and Zach were ok because loosing them all in a day would be awful. I also prayed that maybe Isaiah had made a mistake. Arriving at the hospital having all of us kids together we were told that neither of our parents have made it and they were dead. I was heart broken...then I thought of my mothers last moments and it was sad, I did not think that my mom would die like this. I skipped depression that day and went into acceptance. I knew I had to be strong. I called my uncle Rick and told him breaking down... I could not hear myself say the words without crying. I went back to depression. I checked on Zach he was alive and I was just grateful.
Over the next ten days between telling people what had happened, talking to family, having family arrive, planning, crying, not showering or changing my clothes, brushing my teeth and hating my life. I would go back and forth between each stage... I would wake up and think that I was in a bad dream then I was reminded. The day of the funeral I just wanted to get it over with. Seeing my mom lay there, not looking like herself it was painful. I think I fixed my mothers hair about 10x times and fixed the blanket, like she was moving around...Standing in front of everyone reading a page from her journal it was so hard, after I cried so hard. I cried so hard in front of everyone and I did not care.
After everything was just a mess and I was finally able to feel something. Everyone left. The best thing I could do was get back into a routine. Going back to work and "going through the motions", it sounds so harsh but honestly that it how you accept and deal with grief. I did things I did before and I TOOK A SHOWER! I watched my mother be consumed by my grandmothers death. My grandma died about 7 years ago and my mother would still let it affect her daily life. I then realized that my family had a lot of secrets and lies...things I found out about my mother the things she was dealing with on a daily basis. Being sexually assaulted for YEARS! by a family member, knowing that the father she thought was her father was not her father, and the cover ups and dismissing that my whole family did. I then decided that I would do what my mother felt she couldn't.
I will not accept the lies and the awful things that people who I trusted have done is awful. I decided that I will be a strong and loving person but also will not tolerate the things she did. Instead I will learn from her death. Cherish the moments I had with her both good and VERY VERY bad. I will miss her and I will make sure that my children remember her, I will remember her. I will love her and miss her. When you have lost someone close to you allow yourself to feel your feelings. Do not drink them away, you do not need to take pills or smoke weed or anything, let yourself feel that ...hurt. Be hurt and be sad but know that death is apart of life and one day we will all be gone and someone will be there to miss you. So live your life, like there is no tomorrow.
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